Dior bags, Kathy Hilton's morning routine, Pink Pony Club
5 Housewives Things with Astrid Dahl
In her latest novel, The Really Dead Wives of New Jersey, Astrid Dahl found a clear muse: The Real Housewives.
“I honestly think the Housewives, at their best, are wittier, sharper, and more dramatic than any prestige television,” Astrid said. “Like Bethenny screaming at Luann in Miami, ‘Life is not a cabaret; it is actually not a cabaret.’ Or Sonja telling Andy during a reunion, when asked about her Chapter 11 bankruptcy and the failed movie that catalyzed it, ‘I’m not the first person to go to Hollywood in a vulnerable place.’”
“Whether or not I’m writing a Housewives-inspired book, I always aspire to write one-liners as sharp as Bethenny Frankel’s, reads as cutting as NeNe Leakes’, or moments as unpredictable as every single thing Ramona says and does. The way you hate these women one minute and adore them the next is exactly what I want to recreate in my fictional characters. So I guess I could say they inspire me a lot.”
In RDWONJ, Astrid sends up the New Jersey housewives with a murderous twist. With the release of her Sopranos- and Housewives-adjacent novel, we caught up on the housewives things that are inspiring her right now.
5 Housewives Things
1.) Bethenny Frankel’s Unhinged TikTok Account
Many people can’t stand Bethenny, but she has the kind of tortured neuroticism that speaks to me. Her brain moves with the quickness, her tongue is sharp as hell, she visibly suffers from severe body dysmorphia, she struggles interpersonally, yet can also be very fun (she loves Remy Ma), and she gets hyper-fixated on anything that interests her. Drugstore makeup, chicken salad, mall restaurants, TJ Maxx, luggage, weighing in on literally every topic that hits gossip news—her TikTok covers a lot of territory.
Recently, she’s been preoccupied with “Dior Bags,” which is what she calls drones to avoid being shadow-banned. She recounts talking to people “high up at the Pentagon” in indecipherable code that reads as deeply paranoid and vaguely psychotic. She told The New York Post that after one drone sighting, “I was lying on my kitchen floor because I got dizzy and lightheaded and I am a fainter and I was dehydrated and I get in my own brain and I can’t stop. So I have to try to live normally or I am going to end up being Carrie in Homeland.” As someone who is also incapable of having a casual interest, I adore watching her obsess. I literally started a Go Fund Me to get Bethenny back on Bravo, delusionally thinking that it would blow up and Bethenny would see it and Bravo would see it and they’d pay her whatever she wanted to get back on. But unfortunately only four people signed it and I deleted the campaign out of embarrassment.
2.) Mary & Angie’s Friendship
I’ve always loved RHOSLC’s Mary Cosby and I’m glad she’s finally getting her redemption arc. Initially fans didn’t like her because she “ran a cult” and “married her grandfather” and “called herself God.” Also she can be pretty rude, famously telling Jen Shah she “smelled like hospital” and saying Heather “looked inbred.” But this season, we’re seeing a more sympathetic side of Mary—dealing with her son’s addiction and developing a touching friendship with Angie K. An inveterate hater, Mary initially didn’t care for Angie and in fact didn’t even seem to know who she was, even though they’re on the same show. But things took a turn on the Season 4 reunion after Angie told Mary she had lipstick on her teeth. Soon they were attached at the hip, attending dance classes and confiding in one another. After taking her son to rehab, Mary had an emotional reunion with Angie on the cast trip in Puerto Vallarta. She said in her confessional that Angie’s “spirit, her energy, it’s just positive, and it’s making me feel like everything is going to be okay.” I love when a misanthrope goes soft.
3.) Housewives’ Defying Gravity Moments
Like everyone and their mother, I ate up the Wicked press cycle. Ariana Grande perplexedly clutching Cynthia Erivo’s finger after being told that people were “holding space” for the lyrics of “Defying Gravity”? Gold. I also adored the TikTok trend of pairing dramatic Housewives moments to the climax of “Defying Gravity.” I spent more time than I’d like to admit LOLing at these videos and even made a few of my own, which I ended up deleting out of embarrassment much like I deleted my Go Fund Me to get Bethenny Frankel back on Bravo. Some faves (that I had nothing to do with) include: Kyle Richards sprinting out of the restaurant in Amsterdam. Ken Todd falling in the pool. Aviva Drescher throwing her prosthetic leg on the floor. Teresa Giudice running to call the cops after her husband and brother attack each other.
4.) Kathy Hilton’s Morning Routine
At her Christmas party, RHOBH’s Kathy Hilton recounted her morning routine to an interviewer, and her response was so charming and kooky—it went viral for a reason. I’m just going to transcribe it:
I like to get up in the morning and have my coffee and then I like to get on my iPad and Google people. There's a lot of scoop going on right now, and people are not getting along. So, guess what? So then after I Google several people, I go on Instagram, and I Insta snoop. And I see who’s following each other, and who’s not following each other. Then I have a little breakfast, and I eat it really quickly, so that I can get back. So then I hit ‘tools’ and I go, what did I miss in the last hour? And that’s how I do it. I keep up on everything.
What a doll!
5.) Britani Bateman
Another controversial fave but I’ve become a big fan of RHOSLC’s Britani Bateman. At first I didn’t really understand why she was there and found her face challenging to look at. Perhaps I felt similarly to Angie, who famously said Britani had “high body count hair.”
But then something changed when Britani broke out these amazing dance moves on the yacht in Mexico. I filmed the scene and posted it to my Instagram story, tagging Britani with some fire heart emojis. I’d just seen her on Watch What Happens Live and it was so clear that the audience hated her, so maybe I wanted to show her some love. Britani not only reposted my story, but she also sent me a voice memo saying “you’re the best.” I sent her one back that said, “no YOU’re the best.” And I’ve since been following her on socials, on which she acts even more peculiar than she does on TV. My fave is when she films herself singing “Pink Pony Club” throughout her journey to visit her daughter to the confusion of her fellow travelers and her followers, who respond with things like “ho is you ok?” Well, I think she’s doing great and my comment says, “you rock never change!!!”
Order The Really Dead Wives of New Jersey, follow Astrid on socials, and check out more of Astrid’s work here.
Reference Section
Lara and Carey just finished their recap of RHOSLC on SUP—this most recent episode had me in stitches.
Catch up with more Astrid gossip here.
I wrote what might be my favorite story for Decor Maine on an eco-conscious build on Owls Head. Check it out here.
Finally, I reviewed The Cliffs for The Portland Press Herald—I was so excited to write for our local newspaper and had fun working my book reviewing muscles again.
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